Letting Go...

I have let go of the love of my life. This process of letting him go has been, without question, the most difficult thing I've had to do in this life. It has taken me months to get to this point, because I loved him so deeply. I was afraid to let go. I was afraid, and I was letting my fear rule me. But I finally saw it for what it was and made myself let go. I've never felt pain like that before, nor have I ever felt so lost and alone. How ironic that, after finally finding a man who is everything I've ever asked for in a lover, it would turn out like this. But letting go was the right thing to do.

On the one hand, I will always and forever cherish the brief time we were together as lovers. That was the happiest I've ever been and he was, without doubt, the one. We fit together like a hand in a glove on most every level, and it was an amazing and magical time in my life. Even when he told me he'd fallen out of love with me, it was done with genuine love. I will never forget how we held each other and cried together for hours that night, both of us in indescribable pain and grieving the loss of this relationship. We each so wanted it to be the other that we'd spend our lives with... that we'd eventually marry... and we were both utterly devastated. As brief as our relationship was, it was very real, intense, loving, beautiful, magical, honest, respectful, and so worth all the pain that was to come. I am so blessed to have experienced that kind of love with that man, and to have experienced that man so deeply and intimately. No one else could have loved me like he did, and I do not regret one nano-second of our relationship... I only regret that it did not last.

On the other hand, I will always wonder if there was anything we could have done to save it... or that I could have done to keep him from falling out of love with me. I will always wonder if the outcome would have been different had we taken a slower path to each other, or had we done this or that differently or at a different time. I will always wonder, if given more time, would he have fallen back in love with me. I will always wonder what it would have felt like to celebrate our first anniversary together... or our tenth. And a part of me... the part that will always and forever be in love with him... will always feel cheated out of the relationship I've searched my entire life to find.

But I had to let go... because in holding on to my love for him and the hope that he'd fall back in love with me, I was causing suffering and misery for both of us. It wasn't fair to me... because I don't deserve to live that way... and it wasn't fair to him, because he doesn't deserve to endure the agony of seeing me live that way.

I also had to let go in order to grow. Yes, it caused a major crisis of faith for me, and I was so very angry with the Gods for torturing me... for giving me the love I'd always searched for and then taking it away so quickly and without warning, like some kind of cruel joke. But even as I cursed them, accused them, and hated them, I knew it wasn't them. They were, in fact, grieving with me. Instead, I knew it was me (though I didn't want to admit it just then) that was at the root of this grief. I had, unwittingly, lost myself in this love. In doing so, I ceased to act like me and began to act like someone other than the man with whom he fell in love. The end result was that I caused him to fall out of love with me without even knowing it... at least, not until it was too late. If I could go back in time and do this over with this knowledge, I would in a heartbeat... but who's to say if it would have made a difference? Maybe, maybe not... we'll probably never know.

There were many reasons this happened... too many to enumerate here. Suffice it to say that, given all the little factors and dynamics that existed prior to our meeting each other, it was most likely inevitable that our relationship would be sabotaged. I couldn't have done the work needed to prevent myself from losing this love, until I had actually been through that loss. A dichotomy of sorts, and a cruel one at that. This was a costly and painful lesson... I lost the most precious thing in my life... but from it, I have grown as a person.

There have been those who have tried to make him the villain in all this, but that simply is not true. They will believe and say what they want, but the effect will be that it will remove them from my list of friends. I honestly do not want anyone calling themselves my friend if they can't hear me and honor my wishes... this was not his fault... I won't let him be vilified.

I'm so very blessed to have met him, to have been his lover, to have his trust and love even now. I have him in my life still, we are family to each other, we still live together, and he's a daily blessing to me. He is my best friend, in every sense of the term. There is a bond between us that will never be broken, and I am so fortunate for that. I have begun to go deeper into my spiritual path now, to get back in touch with my center, and to continue to grow as a spiritual being. I am becoming myself again, and this time, I will not lose myself for any reason.

As for the love of my life, he will always be that to me. Perhaps, some time in the future, we'll decide to try to build a new relationship with each other. Both of us are very open to the possibility... but we'll cross that bridge if we get to it. In the meantime, we're moving on... he with his life, me with mine, and both of us together as friends and family.

~Peace~
ND

Time...

It has been a while since my last post. In fact, I've gotten a few inquiries from some really great people about my well-being. I must apologize for causing concern and thank those of you that asked.

Truth is, I'm going through a period of change in my life right now. It's all positive change and very welcome, but the truth is that everything right now is taking much longer than expected. Time seems to be zooming by and I've found myself getting behind in all my correspondence... everything from this blog to emails, and even returning phone calls.

Funny how time does that... when you're waiting for something to happen, it drags by so slowly... but then it simply zooms once that something begins. There never seems to be enough time to get things done that I must do, despite being rather skilled at time management.

I suppose, considering that time itself (in a linear context, at least) is a man-made perception, that it only stands to reason it would seem fleeting. In reality, time isn't linear... it's more like a blob, in that everything happens simultaneously. It is simply the limitations of the human mind that cause us to perceive it as linear and sequential. For this reason, I know that everything I want or need to do is already done, and it's a matter of my physical self and my mental perception catching up.

That still doesn't keep wonderful people from being concerned at the lack of communication. So, again, my apologies for creating concern, my thanks for the inquiries, and a request that my readers be patient for just a little while longer. I promise that once I get my things moved from Chicago to Massachusetts (my new home - more on that in the next blog), I will get caught up on blogging and keep a regular schedule of updates. I have more to say about our environment (and a variety of other topics) next time, too...

Blessings to all!

~Peace~

Of Bees and Men...

Global warming... a term that has come to describe the current climate crisis of planet Earth, though a more appropriate term would be "climate change".

Do I believe global warming is real? Yes, I do. The science is there and it is very sound. Even without the science, it has been very clear to me for many years now that the climate is changing. I've seen it in the way the seasons are beginning to run together. Spring and Autumn are nothing like they were when I was a child. They do not last as long and sometimes they don't even come. Summers are hotter, winters are colder, rains either don't come or there's too much... same with winter precipitations, too. I've seen plants and insects that don't belong in a certain area suddenly take up residence and thrive, while plants, insects and sometimes animals that do belong in that region vanish altogether. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see the changes, but you do have to be aware of nature and your surroundings and you have to take notice of what is different from year to year. Most of us don't pay much attention to nature these days, nor do we make the effort to learn much about it. Instead, we're much more concerned with cutting down trees to build shopping centers and roads and we tend to view nature as the enemy... or at least, primitive and inconvenient. Mark my words... such attitudes toward nature are foolish and they will end up biting you in the ass one day. If not for nature, humanity would never have existed.

Do I believe time is running out for us to do something about it? Yes, and as far as we know, time may have already run out. Still, we have to try our best to at least slow it down so that science can have a chance to find a way to reverse it. Polar ice caps are melting much faster than scientists anticipated, threatening the extinction of all forms of life that depend on the polar ice. Even polar bears are in serious danger of becoming extinct in our lifetime, due to the melting ice, which directly affects their ability to find food. In fact, it is predicted that at least 35% of all species of plant, animal and insects will become extinct by the middle of the century... that's more than one-third of life on Earth! That is completely unacceptable and entirely preventable. Remember, when a species goes extinct it is gone forever. There's no bringing it back... (and no, we can't clone a species back in to existence. Cloning as it currently stands comes with one problem... kidney issues. In every species that has thus far been cloned, the animal lived a maximum of one to two years, then died from some issue or other with the kidneys... which tells me the cloning process is flawed.)

A case in point... have you noticed that the bees haven't been nearly as visible or plentiful in recent years? Farmers and others who depend on the bees cross-pollination for crops have. So have many non-agricultural people. Bees are disappearing quickly. Experts are at a loss to explain the fall in honey bee populations in America, with fears that a new disease, the effects of pollution or the increased use of pesticides could be to blame for "colony collapse disorder". From 1971 to 2006 approximately one half of the US honey bee colonies had vanished. In Spain, hundreds of thousands of colonies have been lost and beekeepers in northern Croatia estimated that five million bees had died in just 48 hours during one week in 2008. In Poland, the Swietokrzyskie beekeeper association has estimated that up to 40 per cent of bees were wiped out in 2007. Greece, Switzerland, Italy and Portugal have also reported heavy losses. The depopulation of bees could have a huge impact on the environment, which is reliant on the insects for pollination. If taken to the extreme, crops, fodder - and therefore livestock - could die off if there are no pollinating insects left.

Read that last sentence again... If taken to the extreme, crops, fodder - and therefore livestock - could die off if there are no pollinating insects left. By extrapolation... if you don't have insects (bees being the most prevalent pollinators) to pollinate the plants, they will go extinct. No more flowers, corn, soybeans, sqash, hay, grains, etc. Even trees will be facing extinction simply because of the loss of the bee population, as will any creature that relies on honey for food. Anything that relies on plants, flowers or trees for food (such as livestock and many other animals) will face the loss of their primary food source and therefore, extinction. Anything that relies on those animals for food (such as humans, for example) will see a drastic decline in the availability of food and face extinction as well. It is a chain reaction... once you set it in motion, it gets bigger and bigger and the consequences can be fatal to many species, even humans.

This is really happening... right now! This chain of events goes back directly to the Native American wisdom... "We are all related". This doesn't just apply to humans, it applies to all life. The Native Americans have long realized the connection between every form of life on Earth. Even centuries before scientists discovered the incredible similarities between humans and all other life on a DNA level, Native Americans knew that all life comes from a common ancestor. All life shares common DNA traits and is therefore related. Beyond this... the connection between species on Earth means that what affects one species affects all... world wide. For example... if you drive Monarch butterflies to extinction in Kansas City, Kansas, it not only impacts the local environment, but it impacts the entire planet in some way to a greater or lesser degree. Another example... let's say that barn owls become extinct. This breaks the food chain... rats and mice no longer have owls as predators, therefore more rats and mice thrive and reproduce, they all live longer without this natural predator and in very short order, the rat and mouse population explodes, leading to more disease that would spread to humans and any other creatures the rats come in contact with. Think of the Bubonic Plague here...

There's another bit of Native American wisdom that applies. Every living thing has a "spirit"... and in this context, that is not necessarily the same thing as a "soul" per se. The belief is that nature provides all that we need... not want, NEED... there is a difference. Nature provides this for us to take and use, but we must only take what is NEEDED and be thankful for it, use ALL of it in some way, and honor Nature by giving something back.

Look at humanity as a whole... do we take more than we need? Yes. Are we thankful for it... REALLY thankful? Sometimes... most of us take it for granted with no thought as to where it came from or how it got into our hands. Do we use ALL of it? Not usually. Instead, we waste large portions of everything in our "disposable" society. Waste, in the eyes of the Native American, is showing dishonor and disrespect to the spirit of the animal, tree, plant (or whatever) and to the sacrifice it made to keep you alive. That, my friends, is "bad medicine" to the Native American. Do we honor Nature by giving something back? Most of the time, no... unless you count all the garbage, chemical waste, nuclear waste, and other pollutants we dump into the air and water and onto the land... but that's not "giving back" is it? No, that's using the Earth, our home, as a giant trash can and that's not only showing disrespect to the Earth, its mockery of the life it gives. Is it any wonder that the Earth is in agony or that Nature has begun to fight back? Is it that much of a surprise?

To those that believe that Global Warming is just a "catch phrase" or just something to talk about if you want to appear to be "chic", you need a good hard slap in the face with reality! If the bee population goes extinct... you might just get that rude awakening because you might find yourself begging for food. And to those who want to make this a political issue, the only thing political about it is that we HAVE to force our elected officials... from the local cities and towns right on up to Washington, DC... to enact and ENFORCE legislation that will protect endangered species and help clean up the environment. It has nothing to do with being liberal or conservative, Democrat, Republican or Independent... it has to do with reality and doing what's right and required while there's still time. It's time our elected officials put away party lines, give up the "spin doctoring" bullshit and get off their asses and DO something about this crisis. If we don't make it happen soon, we'll lose our best chance to survive. Technology will have a part in saving ourselves and our home planet, but it won't provide the complete solution. Industrialization and technology got us into this mess in the first place. We must return to the mindset of honoring, protecting and nurturing our Earth. We must learn not to waste, not to take more than we need, and to honor Nature and help heal it by giving back. When you pick that apple from the tree, thank the tree (I'm serious) for sacrificing that apple for your life, eat every part of that apple that's edible, and then plant the seeds to honor Nature and replace what you have taken. Apply that to everything Nature gives us and you'll see a difference... it really can be that simple.

Welcome!

Just getting things set up, but I'll soon be posting entries here on a fairly regular basis. Some of the things I say here won't be "PC", and probably won't be safe for work, either. I promise I won't be excessive with "adult language", but I do tend to get passionate about certain things. If I blog on any of those, language could get a bit rough. Theoretically, we're all adults here... I think we can handle that.

This blog may, at times, contain adult content. This can include images, language, and references to sexual activities (mostly of a gay nature). If this sort of thing offends, upsets, or otherwise bothers you... LEAVE NOW! If you are not of legal age to view such content... LEAVE NOW!

Everyone else... sit back, grab a beverage, and keep checking in. I hope this will not only be an entertaining blog for my readers, but maybe we can each learn as well.

Feel free to leave comments and express your views, but please do so in an adult, civil manner. All comments must be approved by me prior to being published. This isn't to censor anyone, but I'm simply not going to have any hate speech or free-for-all flame wars here. This is my blog, this is a hate-free zone. If you can't act like a civilized adult, go get your own blog.

Take care... and walk in Balance!

~Peace~