The Power of Meditation...

Meditation is a powerful thing, and it can even affect your health in a positive way. Even my smart-assed doctor had to admit it! But I'm getting ahead of myself...

Flash back to June 14, 2007... It was exactly 2 weeks prior to my 45th birthday, and I was working the morning shift at the salon (I lived in Chicago at the time). I wasn't feeling that stressed, though I was Assistant Manager for a salon full of difficult stylists AND I was dealing with a 'boyfriend' that was impossible. Anyway, I was simply walking through the salon when I began to feel strange... one side of my body from head to toe went numb, speech became difficult, legs felt like they were going to fail me, etc. My first thought was that it was a stroke, but when it ended perhaps 2 minutes later with no apparent lasting effects, I began to doubt myself. I finally got a doctor's appointment (on my birthday) and found that I had high blood pressure (I already knew I had high cholesterol). I was sent for an MRI, which revealed that I had actually had a TIA (Transient Ischemic Attack... also called a mini-stroke). I was placed on meds for my blood pressure and cholesterol, which I took faithfully until February 2008, when my insurance ended due to a change of employers. Without insurance, I simply could not afford the cost of the meds, and had no choice but to do without them until I could get insurance again. Little did I know that it would be exactly 2 years before I would have insurance or my meds again.

In 2009, I met a wonderful man who lived in Massachusetts, fell in love, and ended up moving here to be with him. Sadly, the romantic part of the relationship didn't last, but we remain best friends and house-mates to this day. One of the reasons I connected with him so quickly and so deeply was that his spiritual views are incredibly close to mine... though he's obviously progressed much farther down that spiritual path than I have thus far, and he subsequently has a greater understanding. In other words, he was the first person (other than myself) that I knew of who believed what I believed and viewed things in the same way that I do... because you simply don't find these particular beliefs in any books anywhere... and I knew immediately that I could learn much from him. I asked him to teach me (actually, it's more of a guiding than teaching), and he's been doing so for about the last month. Perhaps I'll post another blog entry later expounding on how much he's helped me, and how quickly this is changing my life in every way... but that's not for this entry. It is, however, important to note that we're doing this spiritual work at this point, as you will see shortly.

Back in February of 2010, I finally got an appointment with a doctor here in Massachusetts. This was a major step forward because it's nearly impossible to find a doctor that's accepting new patients around here. Anyway, my blood pressure and cholesterol were checked on that first appointment on the 18th, and both were very high. Blood pressure was 117/100 and cholesterol was 319... even I was surprised that I was still walking. My doctor put me back on meds for both and we scheduled a follow-up exam for a month later.

After taking my meds for about 2 weeks, I began to experience leg pain and stiffness along with a mild case of hives. I was advised to stop both meds and come in to see the doctor today... 11 days after stopping the meds. The doctor was amazed to find that my blood pressure was damned near perfect, despite not having the meds for so long. He quipped, in his usual smart-assed way, "What are you doing? Practicing meditation or something?" To which I replied, "Actually, yes... a brief devotional every morning, and once a week, my best friend and I meditate together before doing our spiritual studies." He looked dumb-founded and stated that he was just being a smart-ass, to which I replied, "Yes, I know. But seriously, I'm doing that." He was speechless for a moment, then admitted that it seemed to be having a positive effect on my health, and that I should continue doing the meditation and forget about taking any meds for the blood pressure... and we'll check it again in a month.

So, while I DO NOT recommend that anyone should arbitrarily stop taking any kind of medications without doctor approval, I DO recommend meditating and getting deeper into your chosen spiritual path. It certainly can't hurt, may actually help you physically as well as spiritually, and you might end up surprising your doctor in the process.

~Peace~

Letting Go...

I have let go of the love of my life. This process of letting him go has been, without question, the most difficult thing I've had to do in this life. It has taken me months to get to this point, because I loved him so deeply. I was afraid to let go. I was afraid, and I was letting my fear rule me. But I finally saw it for what it was and made myself let go. I've never felt pain like that before, nor have I ever felt so lost and alone. How ironic that, after finally finding a man who is everything I've ever asked for in a lover, it would turn out like this. But letting go was the right thing to do.

On the one hand, I will always and forever cherish the brief time we were together as lovers. That was the happiest I've ever been and he was, without doubt, the one. We fit together like a hand in a glove on most every level, and it was an amazing and magical time in my life. Even when he told me he'd fallen out of love with me, it was done with genuine love. I will never forget how we held each other and cried together for hours that night, both of us in indescribable pain and grieving the loss of this relationship. We each so wanted it to be the other that we'd spend our lives with... that we'd eventually marry... and we were both utterly devastated. As brief as our relationship was, it was very real, intense, loving, beautiful, magical, honest, respectful, and so worth all the pain that was to come. I am so blessed to have experienced that kind of love with that man, and to have experienced that man so deeply and intimately. No one else could have loved me like he did, and I do not regret one nano-second of our relationship... I only regret that it did not last.

On the other hand, I will always wonder if there was anything we could have done to save it... or that I could have done to keep him from falling out of love with me. I will always wonder if the outcome would have been different had we taken a slower path to each other, or had we done this or that differently or at a different time. I will always wonder, if given more time, would he have fallen back in love with me. I will always wonder what it would have felt like to celebrate our first anniversary together... or our tenth. And a part of me... the part that will always and forever be in love with him... will always feel cheated out of the relationship I've searched my entire life to find.

But I had to let go... because in holding on to my love for him and the hope that he'd fall back in love with me, I was causing suffering and misery for both of us. It wasn't fair to me... because I don't deserve to live that way... and it wasn't fair to him, because he doesn't deserve to endure the agony of seeing me live that way.

I also had to let go in order to grow. Yes, it caused a major crisis of faith for me, and I was so very angry with the Gods for torturing me... for giving me the love I'd always searched for and then taking it away so quickly and without warning, like some kind of cruel joke. But even as I cursed them, accused them, and hated them, I knew it wasn't them. They were, in fact, grieving with me. Instead, I knew it was me (though I didn't want to admit it just then) that was at the root of this grief. I had, unwittingly, lost myself in this love. In doing so, I ceased to act like me and began to act like someone other than the man with whom he fell in love. The end result was that I caused him to fall out of love with me without even knowing it... at least, not until it was too late. If I could go back in time and do this over with this knowledge, I would in a heartbeat... but who's to say if it would have made a difference? Maybe, maybe not... we'll probably never know.

There were many reasons this happened... too many to enumerate here. Suffice it to say that, given all the little factors and dynamics that existed prior to our meeting each other, it was most likely inevitable that our relationship would be sabotaged. I couldn't have done the work needed to prevent myself from losing this love, until I had actually been through that loss. A dichotomy of sorts, and a cruel one at that. This was a costly and painful lesson... I lost the most precious thing in my life... but from it, I have grown as a person.

There have been those who have tried to make him the villain in all this, but that simply is not true. They will believe and say what they want, but the effect will be that it will remove them from my list of friends. I honestly do not want anyone calling themselves my friend if they can't hear me and honor my wishes... this was not his fault... I won't let him be vilified.

I'm so very blessed to have met him, to have been his lover, to have his trust and love even now. I have him in my life still, we are family to each other, we still live together, and he's a daily blessing to me. He is my best friend, in every sense of the term. There is a bond between us that will never be broken, and I am so fortunate for that. I have begun to go deeper into my spiritual path now, to get back in touch with my center, and to continue to grow as a spiritual being. I am becoming myself again, and this time, I will not lose myself for any reason.

As for the love of my life, he will always be that to me. Perhaps, some time in the future, we'll decide to try to build a new relationship with each other. Both of us are very open to the possibility... but we'll cross that bridge if we get to it. In the meantime, we're moving on... he with his life, me with mine, and both of us together as friends and family.

~Peace~
ND