I have let go of the love of my life. This process of letting him go has been, without question, the most difficult thing I've had to do in this life. It has taken me months to get to this point, because I loved him so deeply. I was afraid to let go. I was afraid, and I was letting my fear rule me. But I finally saw it for what it was and made myself let go. I've never felt pain like that before, nor have I ever felt so lost and alone. How ironic that, after finally finding a man who is everything I've ever asked for in a lover, it would turn out like this. But letting go was the right thing to do.
On the one hand, I will always and forever cherish the brief time we were together as lovers. That was the happiest I've ever been and he was, without doubt, the one. We fit together like a hand in a glove on most every level, and it was an amazing and magical time in my life. Even when he told me he'd fallen out of love with me, it was done with genuine love. I will never forget how we held each other and cried together for hours that night, both of us in indescribable pain and grieving the loss of this relationship. We each so wanted it to be the other that we'd spend our lives with... that we'd eventually marry... and we were both utterly devastated. As brief as our relationship was, it was very real, intense, loving, beautiful, magical, honest, respectful, and so worth all the pain that was to come. I am so blessed to have experienced that kind of love with that man, and to have experienced that man so deeply and intimately. No one else could have loved me like he did, and I do not regret one nano-second of our relationship... I only regret that it did not last.
On the other hand, I will always wonder if there was anything we could have done to save it... or that I could have done to keep him from falling out of love with me. I will always wonder if the outcome would have been different had we taken a slower path to each other, or had we done this or that differently or at a different time. I will always wonder, if given more time, would he have fallen back in love with me. I will always wonder what it would have felt like to celebrate our first anniversary together... or our tenth. And a part of me... the part that will always and forever be in love with him... will always feel cheated out of the relationship I've searched my entire life to find.
But I had to let go... because in holding on to my love for him and the hope that he'd fall back in love with me, I was causing suffering and misery for both of us. It wasn't fair to me... because I don't deserve to live that way... and it wasn't fair to him, because he doesn't deserve to endure the agony of seeing me live that way.
I also had to let go in order to grow. Yes, it caused a major crisis of faith for me, and I was so very angry with the Gods for torturing me... for giving me the love I'd always searched for and then taking it away so quickly and without warning, like some kind of cruel joke. But even as I cursed them, accused them, and hated them, I knew it wasn't them. They were, in fact, grieving with me. Instead, I knew it was me (though I didn't want to admit it just then) that was at the root of this grief. I had, unwittingly, lost myself in this love. In doing so, I ceased to act like me and began to act like someone other than the man with whom he fell in love. The end result was that I caused him to fall out of love with me without even knowing it... at least, not until it was too late. If I could go back in time and do this over with this knowledge, I would in a heartbeat... but who's to say if it would have made a difference? Maybe, maybe not... we'll probably never know.
There were many reasons this happened... too many to enumerate here. Suffice it to say that, given all the little factors and dynamics that existed prior to our meeting each other, it was most likely inevitable that our relationship would be sabotaged. I couldn't have done the work needed to prevent myself from losing this love, until I had actually been through that loss. A dichotomy of sorts, and a cruel one at that. This was a costly and painful lesson... I lost the most precious thing in my life... but from it, I have grown as a person.
There have been those who have tried to make him the villain in all this, but that simply is not true. They will believe and say what they want, but the effect will be that it will remove them from my list of friends. I honestly do not want anyone calling themselves my friend if they can't hear me and honor my wishes... this was not his fault... I won't let him be vilified.
I'm so very blessed to have met him, to have been his lover, to have his trust and love even now. I have him in my life still, we are family to each other, we still live together, and he's a daily blessing to me. He is my best friend, in every sense of the term. There is a bond between us that will never be broken, and I am so fortunate for that. I have begun to go deeper into my spiritual path now, to get back in touch with my center, and to continue to grow as a spiritual being. I am becoming myself again, and this time, I will not lose myself for any reason.
As for the love of my life, he will always be that to me. Perhaps, some time in the future, we'll decide to try to build a new relationship with each other. Both of us are very open to the possibility... but we'll cross that bridge if we get to it. In the meantime, we're moving on... he with his life, me with mine, and both of us together as friends and family.
~Peace~
ND